spring of my discontent
For a few weeks I’ve been wondering if I’m depressed. But I’m not. I take meds for that and I’m happy overall, my real problem is boredom. Serious straight up boredom. Play Candy Crush all day and night bored. I stay up watching tv at night because my sleep schedule is off. I get the kids ready for school and then go back to sleep. I read magazines, and books. I clean. I run errands. I volunteer and I’m still bored. My life has to revolve around the kids schedules and appointments and therapies and sports, so I can not have a regular job and the one I had I’m laid off from. I’m bored because taking care of the family day in and day out all year round year after year gets old. I don’t ever get a day off and most days I don’t get anytime to think or deal with other adults and that really bothers me. I love the kids and I love my life, but there has to be something more. Something to make me feel worthwhile. When I had a job, I felt needed as part of something larger, cleaning and driving are not satisifying. I know it sounds stupid to say things like that, it’s just complaining, but it’s so emotionally draining sometimes to do the same thing day after day.
I read lots of parenting blogs and those moms have tons of activities to fill their days and keep them busy. I wish I had that. I just really miss conversation. My husband doesn’t talk when he comes home from work, because he’s still working. Sometimes I’ll chat with the drunk neighbor guy, just because it’s someone to talk to. I keep thinking about the Faith Hill song “Stealing Kisses” and she goes back to her high school and stands outside and says run, run, run. I feel like that sometimes. This is not really how I envisioned my life. I have a few ideas maybe getting a night time job or maybe exercise-walk more, but in the mean time it’s so hard. No one ever says I want to just serve my family all day long and that’s my job. That’s selfish sounding. I know. But it’s also destroying my spirit and myself to wake each up day and have nothing new to look forward too, week after week.
I think I always thought after college, I’m going to take on the world. I’m going to travel (we all think that) and I did live and work abroad for several years. I thought I’ll have this fabulous job make lots of money have a cool car and a nice house, but life is never that easy. Things come along and throw your plans away. There is no win win for a mom. I could work full time and hardly have time with the kids, it would be nice to be part of something, but I love being here for my kids and being part of their school lives.Or I can be home or home and work part time, but you can’t get a job to revolve around pre-school and speech therapy and doctors appointments, so then I’m stuck again. In a perfect world I’d work from home,but those jobs are few and far between. It does eat at your self worth and self esteem to face each day like this. I can only pray it will get better, I’ll find a niche, or go back to school or get a nice job to work around my mom hours, but in the meantime, I need to get over this boredom.