rising and changing

A few weeks ago, I read a blog post about someone who grew up with an alcoholic father. I was very impressed with her honesty and it made me know that I am not alone. Both of my parents were alcoholics and my mom still drinks a lot. My dad stop cold turkey maybe 10 years ago and I have never born more proud of him in my whole entire life. Not a day goes by now when he does not regret missing time with me and my brother and the choices he made and it weighs heavy on his heart. And I tell him let it go dad, the past is the past and I love you and forgive you, but I think he will always feel bad.
It was not a good place to be when I was little, my parents fought so much and I hated the smell of alcohol on my dad when he came home because I knew there would be fighting.
Living with that makes you think and it makes you who you are. In high school I was never drinking when some other kids were experimenting. I may have had some wine once or twice but it was probably not even a glass. I was responsible. In college it was the same. I partying yes and in my twenties I partying a lot, but it was never all the time and it was like one night and then done for awhile. I could never let myself be a heavy drinker. I never wanted to. I also never drank liquor. I was a beer person. My parents drank liquor. I’m still the one who drinks maybe two beers and stops at a party or one and then soda the rest of the night. I’m always the DD when we go out. I don’t ever drink at home and I am probably the only person who can’t offer you a glass of wine because I just don’t have any. I guess in the back of my mind I always wanted to have my life together. I never wanted to be a mess or not in control like my parents were. There have been so many times I wished I could relax and chill and just have fun and not worry about drinking, or about everyone else drinking but I can’t it’s just not in me and that’s something I’ve come to expect. I will the be responsible one forever.
As a parent it means so much more to me. I can’t imagine how my parents ever expected to parent and raise me in those conditions. They didn’t my grandparents did. But I can’t imagine as a parent making that choice.
My husband was also raised by alcoholics. He will enjoy a party more than me, but he said straight on he would never be like his parents, sleeping all day long while him and his brother played because of their drinking the night before. He never wanted our kids to live like that.
I guess I’ve always been scared that if I started I wouldn’t be able to stop. I figure I would inherit that from my parents and if they gave me anything they gave me insight. Insight that I would never want to live like that for me or for my children. But I think it shaped me to be the person I am today.


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