life it’s happening

I spent the better part of the last five days sleeping.I have some cold congestion non-stop cough thing and I feel like crap. I’ve felt kind of out of it for the past few weeks. I have a seasonal part time job and for the first time in six years I have this season off, we are not that busy. I didn’t put much thought into it, I figured I could apply my extra time each week to working for my husbands computer programming business, doing more with my kids, writing, reading more,exercising, being a bettere domestic engineer as they say, planning and researching my return to college to finish my graduate degree. I had ideas- all sorts of them. And for the most part, I’ve just been sleepy all day and up all night watching crappy HGTV shows. I started to be a bit down I think when everyone I know seemed to all be going on awesome vacations within a two week period. I kind of just thought this is my life, my lazy, money is always a bit short because your kids aren’t in school and you don’t work and really aren’t driven kind of life and I kind of went down from there. I keep thinking I’m nearly middle age, and what am I going to say I did with my life? Read blogs, watched tv, played with my kids and sat off? I used to have a career, I used to be driven, I used to live on an island. And then it all comes back to my decision to leave paradise- also known as Bermuda, which at the time was no longer paradise for me. 

It’s different when you live somewhere. Anywhere you live no matter how beautiful is going to be a place of good times and bad. For me it was mainly good times and then three bad times when we were robbed. Add that to the fact that my grandparents who raised me were getting older and no one in my family was helping to take care of them and I felt like I needed to leave. And all things happen for a reason, I came home, settled down, started a family we never really planned on earlier in life which brings me to here. Here and now coughing on my couch, wondering what my purpose is. What drives me? My husband says I think about things too much or too intensely and in a way he’s probably right. My purpose right now as I know it is to be a mama and to be the best mama I can possibly be to my blessings. And I think I do that, and do ok. I’m not a fancy pinterest producing kind of mama, but I love to no end and kiss and cuddle and laugh. I hold after bad dreams, and clean scrapped knees and buy those expensive Purex crystals to pour in the laundry so it smells extra nice. But, is that enough? Is that enough to make me feel ok and like I’m giving life all I’ve got? Some days it doesn’t seem so. Days like the past few. Days that blend together and make me think about how I don’t feel all that productive or like I am not enjoying each moment to the fullest. When I lived in Bermuda, I started to live each day to the fullest, I tried new things, met new people, and just had fun. I laughed, I went to the beach at night for a moonlight party, I swam in the buff off a private island, I learned to sail, I took mental pictures so I could carry to sight,sound and feel with me forever. I don’t take very many mental pictures these days. I guess it’s the pattern of life I am in. When I was in my twenties, my time was mine, even my early thirties my time was mine. I have a good life, I really do, but sometimes in between the laundry, the finding lost items, the dinner, the grocery shopping, the trying to sneak a minute or two in for myself,my island time seems so long ago, it feels so out of reach and that just kind of makes me sad.


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