5am tears of love


Almost 13 years ago I left the only home I ever knew to move 700 miles away to my husband’s home land, Bermuda. At 5am one morning a few days before Christmas, I took everything I owned and we were driven to the airport. 1 car for luggage and 1 car for family and friends. My grandfather stood in the kitchen with tears in his eyes and told my husband take good care of her. We got to the airport and I was excited, so excited. This was my new life, this was something I would have never expected to happen. We were going to move into our own apartment and be real grown ups for the first time ever. I was going to have island temps all year round and no snow.
Life was good growing up in my 20’s as a real adult on an island. We were happy. We got a cat and then another. Living beings depended on us.
One of the things I loved about being on an island was anonymity. I’m from a small town, where my relatives have lived since the 1800’s, my mother’s relatives have been in the area since the 1700’s. I know everybody and everybody knows me. In Bermuda I knew no one, that was so freeing. There was no judging based on what so and so knows about your cousin twice removed. I imagine that’s why so many people like living in cities.
When I would come home, I always felt so out of place. About once or twice a year we would fly home, usually for a holiday. I had a career and it was odd to come home and see people in the same roles they had forever or since I had left. In a way it was weird and I always used to think of the saying, you can come home again, but it didn’t seem right to me. Maybe it was because I was living in another country and that’s just different in itself. It was hard for me to grasp this concept and as happy as I was to visit I was always equally as happy to go back. I had a job and friendships I had forged on my own and that was pretty cool. Eventually life catches up and things change and I came back home. I’ve been home now for over a decade and recently it’s been creeping up to me, that I feel like we should go back. Life was so different there. My children love it there. Life was easy and not so intense, the weather was better, it was me and my husband and we were as close as two peas in a pod. There’s pros and cons to everything, but I just really wonder if life is calling me back there.

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