You never forget

When my preemie was born over five years ago, and had just come home from 2 weeks in the NICU, I was given a “sprinkle”. A small second baby shower thrown by my friends. It was nice. I drove myself and the gifts home that night and had some champs and was kind of teary and emotional and got to a curve in the road and just thought of how happy I was that she was home and how hard life had been in the past few weeks. I travel this road to go to my job and my friends house and now five years later, I think about her and my feelings that night every time I travel that road. I go back to that night and my emotions and my fear and my worry about what was going to be coming in the years ahead.
It was a few months later, when I started to think about what I missed. When you have a pre-mature birth, pregnancy feels incomplete, you wouldn’t think about it but it does. Maybe if it’s your first not so much, but when you’ve had a full term pregnancy it feels weird. I actually missed being uncomfortable, having to sleep in the recliner, the excitement as the days counted down to my due date. I was sad when my real due date passed and it just happens to be my birthday and my nephews birthday. I was sad because I wanted to have those last weeks with the nesting and the resting. When I came home from the hospital after getting pre-eclampsia and delivering early I was still swollen and had extremely high blood pressure, but I also came home without my baby. I was so sad to be home without her, it felt weird and my body knew it and my mind knew it and my heart felt it. One night it was so strange to be sitting with my husband watching Jeopardy, my oldest child sleeping and no baby. I wasn’t pregnant, I should have been and this baby who was growing in me for 7 months, was 50 miles away in the NICU, without her mama. At that moment I felt like the only person in this world who had ever felt this or gone through this. It was horrible. Memories get etched into your mind and feelings and to this day, I’m extra careful of this child. I hold her hand at the dentist and I watch her sleep some times. I check on her in the rear view mirror in the car, just things I’ve been doing since she came home and I could hold her and take care of her. Once you have a preemie you never forget how you felt and what you went through. You can look back and know you are blessed but it’s a climb up a hill for sure.


About this entry