thoughts no regrets


I hate dwelling in the past. I try not to. This past weekend I got really pissed about my mother. My son & I were away and my mother and her husband have no life. They come to my house and sit here all day on a Sunday and don’t really talk, they are weird. My kids are older now and play with friends or do their own thing and don’t want to be bothered. Well so my mom calls and my husband says it’s only him and my daughter so she comes over, only her. It’s like a slap in the face to my daughter who really doesn’t notice, but it’s like her husband makes it obvious that he does not like my daughter. I don’t like him. So I get all mad and then I think I need to call her and say come on Saturday since we are busy again Sunday. Then I thought, why, why do I try with her. I don’t really have any relationship with my mother. This is the person who could not come and see my with my first born child because it was 9pm and she couldn’t come until after work even though the hospital had 24/7 maternity visiting and she gets up at 5 and doesn’t make work until 10 or 11 and the hospital was close. Then when we were home and my son and I fell asleep when he was a newborn they came to visit and I didn’t answer, having a newborn knocks you out and you take sleep where you can get it so her stupid weird ass husband jumps a fence and climbs down a snowy hill to knock on my sliding glass door and he scared me, I thought it was a robber, he was pounding on the door. I was so mad, I still haven’t gotten over that all these years later. So anyone no relationship there at all. But I still feel an odd obligation because she is my mother. But she gave me up when I was ten officially but more so like eight. Her and my dad had it rough, they fought a lot and both drank a lot. He didn’t work and she worked 3 jobs so I was always at my grandmothers. But at some point going out when she wasn’t working was more important than me and I was just living with my grandparents, when I was ten they officially adopted me. Now tell me who does that? Who gives up their kid because they like to go out with friends and drink? How selfish is that? They had shelter and they had food for me and clothes and toys, but it was easier to not have to worry about a kid. And then they would still do their own thing all the time and not be bothered with me. I think for most of my life if I did care I pushed it to the back of my brain or maybe I didn’t care and let it go. My grandparents really loved me and took such good care of me. But they have since passed and I’m a parent and I find myself grasping at how could you do that and how am I supposed to have a relationship now. I often realize how people I barely know in church or work know more about me than my mother. I don’t get like this with my dad because he quit drinking and changed his life around and he is so into my life now, he’s funny and we get along really well and I know he loves and cares about me. I never get that from my mom and her husband is really odd, like there is something not right in his head and he’s odd and even the neighbors say so. He doesn’t talk and thinks very highly of himself and makes it known he’s better than most everyone and that makes me mad too. In reality the tension of the relationship is awkward and hard and I get all worked up each week. I try to look on the bright side and I try to be nice, but it gets hard and I wonder, why does being related make you feel like there is an obligation. It shouldn’t be like this. If family doesn’t act like it, you shouldn’t have to sustain something. And truth be told, I miss my mom. I think we could get along fine, it’s just her husband, but like so many moms she made a choice him over me. I wish life was easy. You would think as an adult your parents divorce would be behind you but it never is and you would think your parents would never just give you to your grandparents to raise, but that happens too. It’s never easy to be a kid caught in the middle of anything and it never ends.

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