Normal


What is a normal family life? Today I was driving and wallowing- I do too much wallowing, and I was thinking all I want is to give my kids a normal family life and then I thought what on Earth does that mean. In my mind of crazy odd childhood, it means big family dinners with lots of relatives and everyone getting along and laughing and passing the cranberry sauce, it means nice colonial homes with white picket fences, it means memories and pride, it means moms helping at school, kids wearing nice matching outfits, neighbors pitching out and helping with the lawn, a pool in the yard, nice family vacations to the Caribean when it’s cold out, it means having people over to your house, it means love and dad’s playing catch, grandma’s making cookies or buying you a present just because. I don’t know any one person who has this life. Divorced parents or married. I think I grew up disillusioned that some people’s lives were like this and you know the ones, they seem to have it all and life seems perfect but when you look beyond the facade the walls are cracking inside and nothing is rosy all of the time.
My childhood was all over the place, messed up parents, having to live with my grandparents, when no one else was in that situation. I wasn’t planning on marriage and kids for that reason, I didn’t have anything to hold as a role model.
I think in the back of my mind I am trying to give my kids the ideal childhood- sports, plans of private school, enrichment classes and camps, nice vacations. Love, church on Sunday’s, home cooked meals. But in the same way we don’t live in the most exclusive neighborhood, we aren’t the best people at managing money, sometimes I’m sad just because, I’m distracted as a mom sometimes and I wish I could give them more. But you do what you can with what you have where you are, but it’s hard when you demand perfection of yourself and you’ve built up such a dream ideal for how you want life to be and you know this is your one chance with your kids, we don’t get do overs. I guess as a person who has always wanted a perfect life with an awesome mom and dad, it’s hard to realize that sometimes all the perfect you imagine is just that, imagined, it doesn’t exist and that I should give myself a break because my kids are happy and good kids and they seemed pleased with me, maybe this is my normal this right here right now and I guess that’s why people can find such peace when they are able to be content with where they are.

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