no excuses

I have to admit, sometimes I don’t tell the whole truth or I sometimes change my language around certain people. I feel uncomfortable sometimes that I might seem like I’m rising above my raisin’ as Dr.Phil would say or like I’m too smart, when I talk to certain people so to make it easy sometimes I use simpler words. I also sometimes will shrug off where I got something or where I’ve lived because I’m sometimes uncomfortable, I don’t want to sound conceited or like I’m putting on airs. I used to work and then I choose to be home with my kids and luckily my husbands career allows us that gift, but sometimes I feel silly telling people that. Just writing is sounds silly and makes me feel awkward. The thing is I grew up in a cluttered apartment with my parents, they weren’t hoarders per say but it was bad. I didn’t have my own room, I slept on a hand me down pull out couch, with the springs sticking up. When my grandparents finally took me in, I went to live in another lower income area, but I had my own room and they took very good care of me. I decided early on to push myself and work hard and not live like that when I was older and I did. I got good grades, went to a good college and supported myself through college working in a damaged grocery store, sorting through boxes with maggots and mice. When I graduated I worked hard for over a decade to be where I was in my career when I left. My career was me, but when I became a mom my life changed and I had a new calling. But there are times when I feel like people will think I’m snobby because of the life my husband and I have worked to provide. We aren’t the Jones’ people will want to keep up with, we live pretty low key, but some of the things we like and enjoy are costly, we like to go out to eat, we like nice vacations and sometimes I feel stupid sharing this with people in conversation. I don’t like to say I don’t work, because I do plan on going back. I don’t like to say that I lived abroad. I also get nervous if I use my normal sense of language because sometimes I think people I interact with at church or the kids school or sports will think I sound uppity. My husband finally said just be yourself. Don’t apologize. You’ve worked hard to get here and you don’t need to make apologies or excuses for yourself. Be proud and I want to do that, I really do, but it’s hard. I like to make people feel comfortable and I think I am a people pleaser and don’t want to alienate, so sometimes I tread a fine line. I also tend to be an over the top neat freak because after all the clutter growing up I hate clutter and I hate feeling like I’m drowning in untidy-ness. I guess we all have insecurities from time to time and I guess I’m just not used to it, after all these years. I want my kids to see me as a strong person with good self esteem and sometimes I don’t feel that.


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