SAHM 7 years on the journey
Some days I want to sleep. Like sleep the whole day. When I’m asleep I can dream and relax. I crave the time when it’s quiet and I can read and relax and just be still and when you are a mom you don’t get that too much. I love my kids but I am glad they are in school and I can start my life again, feel like I am accomplishing something and yes raising kids is a big accomplishment, but it’s a given as a mom as I think. It does not become the whole me, it’s a very big part of me, but I miss the rest of me. I was not the oh this is amazing let me make a dinner from scratch, raise chickens, make crafts and quilt a blanket kind of mom. I was the mom who missed being driven, I am the mom who gets so bored that I volunteer for everything, I waste too much time on Facebook, who goes to bed at 2am and keeps saying I want to change that, but I don’t because it’s quiet and it’s my time. But I am the mom who volunteers in the kids school because it’s awesome and I love it. I need to be doing things, and domestic things do not cut it for me. This has been a very emotional journey for me. I spend many days waiting for my husband to come home to give me a break or to talk to. I wholly admit I will not just up and decide to bake cupcakes with intricate designs or refinish the floor or anything else I have time to do, because that’s not my thing. I admit this to my friends but I don’t think people admit it enough. I think it’s made me complacent in many ways. So here I am now. I am going back to school, my mom life has sent me on a new career path and I’m excited. I’m excited for my kids to grow and to reach new stages. I’ve been very blessed, but you know the grocery store and Target are not that fun when you go often. Some days all my energy is wasted and its the same thing day in and day out. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not my kids- I love them to bits and when they aren’t in school, I enjoy being with them and doing stuff together, but I need structure and I need something to work towards and I want to see the end results. I just don’t feel motivated and that might be selfish but it is what it is. I miss intellectual stimulation. There is always something to do, clean, pick up, cook, create etc. But most days my brain is on autopilot and that’s not fun. Some days I think wow, if I could go anywhere, do anything, buy anything, eat anything what would I choose and I come up blank. I know I’m not where I want to be. I want to be a happy, intellectually fulfilled, busy doing or learning kind of mom and wife and I think I will serve my family better. I know I could have been uber domestic and would have taken up time, but you know what that’s not me. My favorite activity with the kids is reading to them or going to the library. So there it is, being a stay at home mom has been intellectually draining and even my husband can sense it. You get into a pattern and that’s difficult, it really is. So I’m hoping the next chapter is exciting and busy and that I can be proud and my kids can be proud of me and see me as more than the picker upper around the house. I want to have a career I love to help to make me a whole person. I love to be involved and I’m looking forward to grad school, but I think this was always in my plan since my kids were toddlers and it’s finally going to happen in a few weeks and I could not be more excited.