I have wanted to be one of those people who love life, who get excited for each day, who love to meet new people and new adventures. That has never happened for me. I live with depression. I have days when I would really just love to sleep and dream. I have days when I don’t want to leave my house. I pray about it, I force myself to get up and out in the world, I take meds. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it does not. I have decided that for some people that is just how life is.
My dad was depressed most of my childhood- he slept a lot and when he was not sleeping he was drinking. My grandmother was depressed most of my life- she was like me she got up and made herself do things, but some days the best place to be was in bed.
It’s difficult for people who have never lived with this impending sense of nothingness to understand. It’s not something you can just think happy thoughts and it goes away. I have an awesome life, I really do and there are many people who would love a life like mine, but the chemical imbalance in my brain says otherwise. The best way to describe it, is you are on your own little island, but it’s not sunny, it’s always gloomy outside and you are just there nothing else- no family, friends, internet, books, paper, pens, food nothing- you know it could be beautiful and you could sit and just think or imagine or dream but it doesn’t happen, your mind just stays blank.
It’s hard but I have been trying over the years to journal and have therapy and while it probably will never go away, I can make it easier to live with.
I pray about it a lot, you know prayers like please take this burden from me, but I think it’s something I am meant to have and to deal with, I think it has made me who I am today and you know what the one thing I have taken from this, is each night I write down in a journal at least one positive thing from the day. I also notice things- I try to slow down and look for beauty in everything, and for that I guess I can take the dark gloomy days.


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