I was tossing and turning last night thinking about things. Thinking about life and my life and how it’s going. My youngest is struggling and that’s very hard to deal with. I sometimes have a hard time just accepting that’s how it is, that’s my deal in life. She was a healthy baby and then I got pre-eclampsia and had to deliver six weeks early. I begged to just be on bed rest, to get meds, anything but delivering early. But I was too sick and she was at risk, so she was delivered early. You don’t have time to think or prepare in life threatening situations and I’m a planner. It all happened so fast. I didn’t have a smart phone, in fact my friends sister in law was doing a news report about them coming out that day as I was in labor-my husband was watching it. I couldn’t google anything on the condition. I had never met anyone with a pre-mature baby, I didn’t even know what that meant.
My baby was born in July when she was due in late August, and she was whisked away where machines helped her breathe and tubes fed her and monitors beeped. I was not allowed to even get out of bed for a shower, let alone to go see my baby in another wing in the hospital. I didn’t know then, that my child would have hearing loss, speech issues, sensory issues, thyroid issues and learning issues. I didn’t know then I would be on thyroid medicine, I would struggle with PTSD from an emergency delivery and having an preemie in the NICU, I didn’t know then that my chance of stroke and heart attack would increase so much in five years time, I didn’t know that every time I see an preemie or pre-eclampsia on tv or movies or news articles, that I tear up. I never knew that I would have a panic attack when visiting my best friend after she had her full term baby in the hospital. Pre-eclampsia sucks, it has changed my life and my faith in so many ways, it has made me who I am as a parent and an advocate for my child. It has made my faith stronger, but there is not a day that goes by when I am not reminded of 6 years ago when my life changed in ways I never thought would happen.