feelings from the NICU

When my baby was born prematurely, the NICU became a place I loved and hated. I loved the care the nurses and doctors provided. I hated the emotions attached with a baby in the NICU. Here are my feelings:
~sadness- you will be sad when your baby is in the NICU and you are at home, feeling empty and missing your child
~failure-I kept thinking her being born early was my fault, you always blame yourself
~self-pity, why me?
~jealous of the friends who had healthy full term babies
~fear- how are we going to handle this? How will we handle this fragile baby
~depressed- scared for my baby, I didn’t want to be attached because I didn’t think I could handle any more heartache
This is a vulnerable time for anyone when you are pregnant and then a tragic moment can change your life forever, my emotions were all over the place.
It’s been six years and I am still scared of stroke and elevated blood pressure in the future. I am no longer thinking why me, why us? I can see it as a blessing now- my child has turned me into an advocate for pre-elampsia and preemies and special needs in children. Everyday she makes me smile over and over, she is a ball of sunshine. I still get tears in my eyes when someone on tv or in a movie is in the NICU, has a preemie or pre-eclampsia. It was a very tragic period of my life and the emotions do come flooding back.

But as the quote from Einstein says there are two ways to live your life. One as though nothing is a miracle the other as though everything is a miracle. I choose #2.

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